A Rant on Twilight

My friend Zack was bored one day... so he finally wrote up what he felt.

I asked if I could repost it and he agreed. Here it is - a rant on Twilight.

Twi-fans, stay away.

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I've gotten sick and tired of Twilight so I've compiled a list of reasons on why Twilight sucks.

10. Despite her obvious efforts, Valley author Stephanie Meyer is simply an awful writer. I feel horrible saying it, but at this point it has been made clear to the entire world. Sadly, I think her overly simple and the cliché writing is what makes the book so appealing. Cracking open a thesaurus doesn't make you a novelist.

9. These are the worst vampires in history. Rarely does Edward Cullen (and his friends) eat at all, despite being "vegetarian" vampires and feeding off animals instead of humans. And where did they gain this conscience? Why do they care if people die? They're vampires!

8. I want to hit Bella. Not only is she lacking any sort of emotional depth, but she allows herself to fall into the arms of a vampire. (Note from Nicki: That's not bad...) Any sane person would be weary of the situation. Not only that, but she proceeds to continue a bizarre codependent relationship with him. This "I love you, but stay away from me... but come here anyway," crap that Edward pulls is just unhealthy. On that note...

7. I want to hit Edward. Mostly because he refuses to end Bella's life by finally feasting on the blood he's wanted for so long and thereby ending my misery. Go on! She's delicious.

6. Edward is sooooooooooooooooo hot! OMG! Edward is sooooo freakin' dreamy. You know how I know? Because Meyer makes hundreds of references to his beauty in the book. All the while, he lives up to being like most hot guys - completely vacant of personality. None of his creepy behavior (watching Bella as she sleeps, following her around so he can save her) would be tolerated if he weren't 100 percent supa-fine. Which leads to point number 5...

5. Vampires sparkle! Who knew vampires were so flamboyant? Edward leads Bella to the top of a mountain, where he proceeds to take off his shirt to show her why he can't go in the sun. He's sparkly! Do you get it now Bella!? He can't go out into the sun because people will want to make handbags out of him! (Nicole: Actually, I thought they would try to chip his skin off and sell it.) Despite that, Bella stares stupidly and tells him he's "beautiful." Surprise, surprise! Barf. (Nicole: Bella may be ADD. Distracted by sparkly things.)

4. If vampire have no bodily fluids, how can Bella get pregnant?

3. The movie ruined two of my favorite bands. Muse and Radiohead are among the likes of Linkin Park and Paramore on the soundtrack. What!? The filmmakers went so far as to edit out a potentially risky Muse lyric in the song "Supermassive Black Hole." The opening line of the song "Oh baby don't you know I suffer? Oh baby can you hear me moan?" was edited down only to the first question. Because you can only moan during sex, you know.

2. Meyer clearly thinks she's Bella. The plain, average character has five hot guys after her at any given time. Why? Because she's so virtuous and plain! Guys love that! Meyer would know.

1. Bella sucks. And she's not even a vampire. She has no problem being a "strong" little sassy pants toward her parents, but she can't walk out the door without being victimized and therefore saved by the sparkly Edward.

I've been aggravated with the whole depth of characters

Bella has no character. She is the cliched new girl in school (because we haven't read a billion books like that). She talks like an uneducated 10 year old. (Can you say moron?) This girl is beyond stupid. No thoughts travel through her head at all. She can't take five steps without tripping (Nicole: Well, neither can I.), being hit on, or almost raped. She sounds like a whiny 37 year old woman, and not a “mature” 16 year old. Edward told her he was not sure if he was going to slaughter her or not as the capper for her date, and she thinks its romantic and exciting. Serious issues? I think so. In conclusion...
She is a total Mary-Sue, an air head, boring, unbelievable, and her lack of character disturbs me.


Edward Cullen. (Yeah, I'm going to tear apart your "dreamy' sparkly vampire boy with words, go cry.) All he does is boss Bella around and sit there and look "cool". He sounds like he has been in a coma since 1911 and just woke up from it. He is angsty, boring, and unbelievable - not to mention the dozens of holes in his 'vampire appearance'. Vampires sparkle like pretty fairies in the sunlight! Yeah, uhm, no. Vampires DIE in sunlight not sparkle. (Nicole: Unless in certain circumstances. Which I have yet to find. Vampires just don't seem to like sun...) The author may have made it this way, but it is an inconsistency between the story and actual well known lore that's hard to ignore. Edward is 100 years old (Nicole: Er, 107.) but seems to have never gotten past that angsty teenager phase. 100 years is a long time - most people are at peace with their inner teenage angst by the time they are 50. Uber pedophile: 100 years old (Nicole: 107!) and hitting on having sex with 16 year old girls. Edward has beautiful amber eyes, they are gorgeous. His amber eyes are so dreamy. Did I mention that he has amber eyes? It was subtle you might not have gotten it.

Meyer is always describing some feature of Edward...

On that note. Rants on the author!

All the author does is describe Edward's appearance every other sentence, which somehow seems to make for great reading. She has a 6 word vocabulary: sparkly, sparkling, sparkle, Edward, sex and Bella. She's not a damn author; she is a lonely house wife that had a wet dream about a vampire and decided to turn it into a freaking book. Since when did werewloves become “shape shifters”? [SPOILER ALERT] In the final chapters of Breaking Dawn, Aro reveals that the werewolves are actually shape shifters. They actually just take the form of wolves and can really turn into anything else. I’m guessing Meyer did this so she could save Bella’s ass from the vampire army. She admits to not thinking about what she writes when writing these books, so she ends putting them in a situation that they can't get out of. I can imagine that her thoughts went something like this: “Shit, Edward can't fight his way out of this one. Oh well, I’ll just change some important plots in the story and it’ll be good.”

- Zack

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Thank you, Zack.

[EDIT] Here! It's like Zack but, you know, published. [link]